It all started, out of no where, when I suddenly feel so lethargic, lazy and staying at home was the best decision. One day has passed, and then the next day I still remained the same, feeling like all of my energy has been sucked from within my soul. It continued – from one week to two weeks – and before I know it, almost two months has passed.
Apart from feeling lazy and lethargic, I stopped putting efforts in responding to my friends. I usually will leave a comment or randomly replying to other people’s tweets whenever I feel it’s necessary. But during that time, I would just scroll pass all the tweets and instagram posts/instastories. I was too tired to respond as an act of socializing, like what I usually did in the past. I’m starting to get worried with my sudden change of habit but I brushed it off with the thought that this might be just a phase. Graduating and starting from zero when your other friends are already with stable jobs, spouses and kids. It was definitely pressuring; the feeling of being left behind and getting so late in catching up.
There were times I actually forced myself to go out, but deep inside I was regretting my decision so much, and yet I can fake that unwillingness from showing. It was already tiring to force myself out, and when I’m home, I don’t feel a streak of content after a day out. Every time I was asked “How’s your day?”, I’d respond just a short OK because that’s how it was. The fact that I cannot recall the days when I was feeling genuinely content for the past 8 months, I think it shows that how there were so little time when I would feel good. Sometimes it was just for a brief moment. All I can remember, now, how sad and miserable I was. Waking up in the morning and feeling so reluctant about going to work. Even when my car was already parked at the compound of the class, I would still contemplate about stepping outside the car and having to fake my smile and passion.
That’s when I knew something was wrong. I feel more inclined not to share what I feel because I wasn’t capable of expressing anymore. The burden was too much and I didn’t know where to start. Eventually, I just let it linger in my head. I thought binging on a bunch of tv series and movies would help like how I usually do it whenever I was feeling down. Unfortunately, it kept getting worse; my sleeping cycle was all over the place. No matter how much I tried to improve on my life style, I ended up failing. Nothing seems to be working. I’d be back in the slump. That slump where I was feeling that I wish I don’t have to do anything; not thinking, not helping, just there, existing.
The only thing that kept me from being completely lost and miserable was Rafiq. I cannot imagine how it would be, if I don’t have him, during that difficult time. Sometimes I complained to him about how I felt, but most of the time, he kept me distracted from all the overthinking whenever we were on our daily conversation. Although he couldn’t help to solve this problem I have with my genuine happiness, I managed to cling onto the idea that having him showed me that hope was somewhere there; because his presence reminded me of the person I used to be. How bright and positive I have become after everything that I have been through since Foundation year.
Of course, once in a while, I would randomly hang out with a friend and tried to be proactive. Going out from my comfort zone and challenge myself to stop this condition from being prolonged. But after challenging myself, I’d feel so depleted and decided to cave in for another week or two before I’m ready to go out there again. And again, I thought it was normal for me to feel this way because I have aged a lil older than 23. I, sometimes, thought that it might be because I had too much fun, non-stop, for the past years, and it took a toll on me. I actually tried to justify that I was not having difficulties in coping with all the stresses I have been experiencing.
Surprisingly, time didn’t stop for me and my life moves forward as usual. But I lost myself, I lost my motivation, I lost the drive, and I lost my purpose in life. You can give me all the pep talk you want, but the flame would light so bright for just a few moments before it diminished again once I started putting my thinking cap. And there you go, I’d be back in the slump.
again.
and again.
and…again.
You’d be surprised at how much pep talk I’ve given to myself. And you’d be surprised at how much opportunities I’ve let go due to being incapable of getting myself to face the stress that I was having. It’s not that I wouldn’t – I tried – but, I couldn’t. Everyone did help, but I was incapable of helping myself. I felt helpless. and useless. The feeling was ugly.
I would say that not getting any replies from the job applications I have sent contributed to this ill feeling. Constant pressure from my parents and societies might have been one of the reasons too. But it peaked when I didn’t even manage to get an interview while my friend did. I was so shocked that I remember I couldn’t even breathe. I spent two months trying to accept that it wasn’t my rezeki and I shouldn’t questioned why I didn’t get the same chance.
Then, I realized, by not getting invited for the interview, I was so focused on getting upset, frustrated and devastated about it. I was so busy trying to accept that it wasn’t my rezeki to begin with. I think, after a few weeks, I finally manage to make peace with it. It wasn’t an easy process, but Alhamdulillah, I made it. When I finally accepted that, I’m slowly feeling more at ease started to feel like my own self again. Despite the rejection, which I thought was a big blow on my face, I am truly grateful that it finally made me regain myself. It was indeed a blessing in disguise.
As I was writing this post, I kept bursting into tears; remembering how I was struggling so hard to fight from getting sucked into that dark hole. Now that I have regained my positive energy, I’m writing this down as a reminder to my future self, of the painful journey I have been through, to be stronger and better.
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